My Struggle to Choose a Path

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A Personal Post

As a rule, I write posts that are less personal and more focused on a specific topic related to writing or publishing. I planned to post something else this week, but that didn’t pan out. Instead, I’ve decided to open up a little about my current struggle with deciding what my future career path or paths should be. Bear with me as I get a little personal.

For as long as I can remember, I’ve wanted to be an author. Not just a writer—I’m already that. I’ve dreamed of being an author, a published writer—my work in print and distributed to the public for their enjoyment. My book is on a bookshelf in a brick-and-mortar bookstore or library—my novel available for order on Amazon. I dreamed of it for years but never made much effort to go after it. That changed almost six years ago when I first set out to write a full-length original novel, not just fanfiction.

I began writing the first book in my Ashes Trilogy while living in Dubai with my husband and having too much lonely time on my hands. That manuscript has undergone many title changes and almost as many drafts. I finally have a work I’m proud of. The problem is, I can’t find a literary agent willing to take my manuscript and me and attempt to sell us to a publisher. Without an agent, my hopes of being traditionally published are not worth any paper I write them onto. My goal was to get this first book published and then the second, and so on. I had high hopes. I honestly thought I could succeed at it. Maybe I was wrong.

Then someone suggested to me that I consider becoming a counselling therapist. It’s a long story, but it boils down to my need to find something where I can make a living. Heaven knows my husband, and I need help if we’re going to retire before we’re one hundred and twenty. I had hoped that an agent would pick me up in my first year of trying to make a living as an author—a big dream. Silly, I guess. Naïve. So, I decided to attend university and get my Master of Arts in Counseling Psychology. Become a therapist. Easy-peasy. Nothing in my life has ever come easy, and this is proving to follow the usual pattern.

Now that I’m in university again (I’m attending Yorkville University in a distance learning program), I find that my studies take up almost every spare waking moment I have and then some. I have no time to write. And that is killing me since my passion has been and always will be writing. I get a few minutes here or there throughout the week, but no decent blocks of time where I can sit, relax, and create. Even harder is finding time to write blog posts like this one. I’ve reached the point where I must make some decisions I don’t want to make.

I wish I could have a writing and counseling career, and there would be no conflict for time or headspace. But that seems to be something I can’t have, at least not right now. I will continue to write. I must. It bleeds from my soul. But I may not become the successful novelist I dreamed of being. At least that dream may have to be put on the back burner for the next three years. And that’s killing me. I will continue to write blog posts, but I may be cutting back and posting a new one once every two weeks instead of once a week. I probably won’t be creating any more original novels for posting on my blog for a while. I’m not quitting—I’m scaling back to focus on completing my master’s degree. Once that’s taken care of and I have a secure source of income, I can pick up where I’m leaving off with my writing career and commit more time and energy to it again. This is a hiatus, not an end.

I’m grieving the postponement of my dream, but that’s all it is—a postponement. I’m not quitting. I’ll never quit.

So, keep returning to my blog. I promise to continue it. Sign up for my newsletter so you know when to expect a new post and what the subjects will be. I will add interesting content to the Subscriber Content page on my website when I can. Thank you for reading. Those who have been with me from the beginning, thank you for your loyalty.

Here’s to a new adventure. More about that to come.

Thank you so much for reading this post and visiting my blog. Please sign up for my newsletter for a monthly update about the website and blog and exclusive access to the material on my Subscriber Content page at www.paulinejgrabia.com. I am honored that you have taken time out of your day to read what I have to offer, and I will endeavor to continue to post blogs that are worthy of your continued attention. May God bless you richly.

Pauline J. Grabia