What Silence Taught Me About Listening
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Listening is a skill we all need to learn. Silence is key.
Have you ever been in a situation where there was a silence in a conversation, and you felt the need to fill it with something? Silence is often frightening. Many people innately see it as dangerous, awkward, and unproductive. It can cause one’s anxiety level to spike to an 11 out of 10. It has a feel—hollow and airless. So, people often seek something to say or do to fill it, often with questionable success. But what if there was much to learn and gain from the silences in our lives? What if silence isn’t emptiness, but active and respectful attention?
Silence Can Be Intentional
The fear of silence stems from the idea that it is either passive or aggressive, making it uncomfortable and dangerous. But in truth, silence can be intentional. Instead of being passive, it can be assertive. It’s important here to distinguish silence from avoidance. Silence is pausing in the moment for a reason, without withdrawing. But avoidance is the opposite. It is absence, not presence. It is disappearing, not being present in the moment. It can be selfish and disrespectful.
Silence That Protects, Not Punishes
One purpose of silence can be to protect what is fragile. For many of us, silence has been used as a weapon of violence or a form of punishment, so it’s difficult to see that silence can protect, not hurt. Protective silence doesn’t say, “You have done X, so I am not going to speak with or listen to you.” Protective silence holds a place; it provides a presence without pressure for the wounded and hurting. It says, “I will hold space for you until you are strong enough to speak.” Think of it in terms of this illustration: a door is slammed versus a hand placed over something breakable. Both stop or prevent noise. But only one guards against damage.
Silence Honors What Is Still Forming
Silence is patient with others. It is respectful of what is happening and of others’ perspectives and needs. It shields what is forming, because some truths need darkness before light: seeds need to be underground in silence before germinating and sprouting through the soil; faith after betrayal takes time to be re-established. It’s like a story before it knows its own ending, searching for a resolution. Silence refuses to turn pain into spectacle. Speech isn’t always healing. Sometimes it commodifies pain in the form of oversharing as virtue or the pressure to narrate wounds before they are closed.
Without Silence, Listening Fails
If there is no silence, listening is impossible. Think about a room filled with people, and everyone is talking at the same time about their favorite hobbies, and you walk in. It’s impossible to listen and hear what is being said because it all becomes an incoherent mess. But if all but one person is silent, then what that one person says can be heard and understood. Listening is possible. Active listening involves being silent, fighting the urge to hear only what one wants to hear or confirm, but attending to the entire message before formulating an interpretation and response. It’s so easy to jump in with an assumption or an easy fix rather than listen and truly hear what the other person is saying.
Silence Listens With More Than Ears
Silence is also alert. We listen not only with our ears but with all our senses. Silence watches the other person’s breath. It notices when a voice trembles. It waits for consent before questioning or contributing. It is respectful and fully aware. There is more to communication than simply the syllables our mouths make and the sounds our ears pick up. This kind of silence doesn’t demand disclosure. It allows it.
When We Rush to Speak
By speaking too quickly or out of turn just to fill the silence, we can flatten the meaning not only of what we say but of the entire conversation. Sometimes, truth takes time to come out. It emerges gradually as we take turns between silent listening and active communication. It gives the mind time to process what it needs to process before a thought can form and be shared.
The Order Matters: Listen First
In the Bible, the apostle James wrote, “Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry.” As already explored, active listening requires the ability to remain silent and wait with openness and acceptance. When we speak too soon, it can be damaging, leading to hurt or anger. When we take the time to sit with spoken truth and truly listen to each other without jumping in with our opinions or unsolicited solutions, we avoid misunderstandings, anger, and the sin that often results. But notice the order that James uses in his admonition: listen in silence first. Think carefully before one speaks. And then be open to others’ perspectives rather than reacting impulsively or emotionally.
Silence Requires Restraint
I’ve learned that silence often asks more of me than speaking. It’s not always easy to be quiet and listen without making assumptions or opinions. It feels more natural to fill the empty space, either out of selfishness or out of a well-intentioned desire to rescue or help. But it’s not my place to rescue another person from their processing or need for time and space. It’s my place to respect, protect, and nurture it.
What Silence Gives in Return
Listening to others' stories has reshaped me and how I think, not only about what they had to say about their experiences, but also about how I think about my own. It’s allowed me to see things through different eyes and walk in different shoes. It’s broadened my horizons. Often, when I am silent, I gain so much more than when I speak. But it’s not easy. It takes humility to be silent. It takes patience to wait in the quiet without rushing in to fill it. And sometimes, it hurts.
The Mercy of Silence
Because it hurts and is fragile, there is mercy in silence. It allows others in the room to exist without placing demands on them, without exacting a price. Merciless speech demands payment in the form of explanations before someone understands their own pain, or forces confessions before it is safe for a person to do so. It often forces resolution before grief has been given a chance to finish its work. But silence allows for these things. It can be gracious and kind. After all, some encounters with God leave people wordless, and some prayers are no more than breath. God’s grace can work through the silences.
Stay Long Enough to Hear
If you find yourself in a conversation and have nothing to say, don’t feel the need to find something. Sit in the silence and wait for it to speak to you. If someone is silent, don’t feel pressured to interpret, extract, or rescue. Hold space and let the truth come out naturally when it is ready. Listen not only with your ears but with your whole being. Sometimes the most faithful response in any conversation is to simply stay quiet long enough to hear what has been there all along.
I’ll soon be gathering a small group of advance readers for What Remains After. If that’s something that interests you, you’re welcome to get in touch. Let me know in the comments below or email me at pauline@paulinejgrabia.com.
Stories of Consequence
Fiction that faces the dark, but ends in light.
May God bless you richly,
Pauline J. Grabia
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